To the Latest Round of Email Spammers: Some Helpful Feedback

Dear email spammers: In the interest of helping you sharpen your targeting to that lance-tipped precision I know you strive for, I offer you the following FREE valuable personal information:
  • Your warning that my automobile warranty is about to expire is a bit late. The warranty on my 2002 Camry expired more than ten years ago, and I'm okay with that.
  • I appreciate your offer of a free estimate on a roofing job; however, I'm not the person you need to talk to. That would be my apartment manager.
  • At 60 years of age, I'm simply not interested in boosting my virility to Herculean stamina and elephantine magnitude. Most guys I know who are half my age probably feel the same way.
  • While the thought of owning a flashlight with more candlepower than an airport beacon is tantalizing, I'll pass on trying to blind a weaponized attacker with your product, as you suggest, in favor of convincing him the old-fashioned 12-guage way. I guess I'm just hooked on tradition.
  • More helpful to me in the employment arena than your 6-month master's degree would be nullifying the age-discrimination factor by making me 25 years younger. But I suppose you can't do that, can you, any more than you can offer a legitimate graduate program.
  • My concern about whether Stephen-Hawking [sic] has committed an "unthinkable act" is so small as to be undetectable by any means known to scientists, with the possible exception of Hawking himself. And he's about as likely to offer his assistance as I am to give a rip.
And on and on and on. Your spambots may be irritating, but I have to admit, at least they're also amusing.