Having just read up on newts, I feel it’s my civic responsibility to post the following PSA:
*****NEWT ALERT!!!*****
UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES EAT A NEWT.
Don’t do it. Put the newt down. I know you were thinking, “Hey, a newt! Yum!” But you just don’t know.
Turns out that the rough-skinned newt of the Pacific northwest (Taricha granulosa) is the most lethal animal in North America. Deadlier than a rattlesnake or a coral snake. And its three other Pacific newt cousins aren’t far behind. All four species of Taricha contain tetrodotoxin, the same stuff found in pufferfish* and the blue-ringed octopus. It’s fine to handle Pacific newts; people commonly keep them as pets. But–and I know it’s hard to resist the impulse, but I must insist–refrain from popping one into your mouth.
It happens. Seriously. The circumstances have typically involved a rough-skinned newt, alcohol, the male ego, and a dare. At least one guy in Oregon wound up dead as a result, and others have been hospitalized.
So you West Coasters, remember: Newts as pets, fine. Cute little things. Newts as table fare, nyet. Skull and crossbones.
Anderson’s crocodile newt (Echinotriton andersoni) takes things even further. Pick it up and it will poke its sharp rib tips through its skin and inject its poison right into you. Did you get that? It sticks its freaking ribs right through its freaking skin and jabs you with them! I’m torn between thinking “Cool!” and “Ewww!” But since this newt lives in Japan and is endangered, I’m not going to worry about it.
Of more concern to me is the eastern newt (Notophthalmus viridescens). This little dude lives in my neck of the woods, and he (or she–newts shatter the glass ceiling when it comes to toxicity) also packs tetrodotoxin. Not nearly as much as the Pacific newts, and eastern newts aren’t considered deadly, but they’re nevertheless not recommended as culinary items.
So there you have it: newt wisdom to live by. Next time you find yourself caught in the hazy nexus of drink, a dare, and the wild desire to swallow something alive and squirmy, set aside the newt and reach for a goldfish. Or better yet, just leave the bar and go drink some coffee. Really. You’ll feel so much better for it in the morning.
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* You know about pufferfish, right? The culinary world calls it fugu. It’s this incredible delicacy prepared by specially trained master chefs in Japan. You pay a ton of money for it, and they serve it to you in the form of wafer-thin, translucent slices in an exquisite display, and you eat it, and you roll your eyes and think, “Oh, my God, this is soooooo GOOD!” And then, if the chef hasn’t prepared it exactly right, you die.