“Does This Dress Make My Butt Look Fat?”

Posted on September 27, 2018 by Foxworld

I posted the following in FaceBook, then decided it deserved a more lasting presence. So here it is, preserved in perpetuity in this Fox’s World blog entry. . . .

Ladies, here’s what’s going on in the male mind when you ask him the Dread Question. You know the one. . . .

    You: Does this dress make my butt look fat?

    Him: Heck no! That dress looks killer on you. It doesn’t at all make your butt look fat.

    What He’s Not Saying: Your butt makes your butt look fat. A seven-ton industrial winch won’t drag that out of him.

It’s in this manner that the game is played. You ask him a loaded question, and he answers truthfully but, valuing his life, not fully. There are other similar scenarios, I know, though not being a married man, I can’t pretend familiarity with all of them. But I know this one. Every man does.

Here’s the thing: he loves you. The condition of your butt and other physical features were likely part of what attracted him to you at first, but as he got to know you, his heart knit to you, and the two of you created a history together, and now he loves you just because you’re you. No one can replace you. Not even close. At least, that’s how it is with a good man, of which there are still plenty left. I hope you’ve got one. If you do, and you ask him the Dread Question, know that the real answer, which he may not know how to say, is, “It doesn’t matter. Because I love you.”

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Redumbant (and Other Additions to the Writer’s Lexicon)

Posted on June 13, 2018 by Foxworld

I began this morning with my usual cup of coffee and the word redumbant. You won’t find that word in the dictionary because I made it up only two hours ago, but it should have existed for eons. The need for it stretches back through the misty past to the day when some caveman scrawled the first stick figures on the walls of his grotto. His wife looked at them and thought, You could have said the same thing with a third as many sticks. And it would still be dumb.

So you can see that redumbant is a mighty useful word. And since one good word begets another,* I’ve hatched a few more to keep it company. Editors will nod their heads gratefully, and writers will either thank me or curse me. I doubt either of them will shower me with precious stones, but that’s okay. It’s enough to know I’ve made my own small but useful contribution to the literary lexicon.

Astoprophe: An apostrophe that is placed, through some arcane logic, where no apostrophe belong’s. Stop it, okay? Just stop.

Redumbant: Saying something really stupid over and over in different ways.

Ellipsiiiiiiiiis: Similar to the standard three-point ellipsis, except with a whole lot more dots and frequently used . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . for no apparent reason.

Parenthecease: The discipline of not glibly inserting a parenthesis to clarify a poorly worded sentence, but of refining the sentence instead.

Grammar: Your mom’s or dad’s mother. What, that’s not what you meant? Well, your spell-checker ain’t perfect, you know.

Iyellics: Italics used so liberally that readers get the impression you’re constantly shouting, and they tune you out. Ssshhh! Pretend you’re in the library. Now, what was that you were saying?

Quon’t Marks: Indistinguishable in appearance from both single and double quotes, quon’t marks are properly “used” where they “don’t” belong; that is, their correct usage requires their misuse. Quon’ts are “commonly” found on gas station signage, in Craigslist “ads,” and on music store bulletin boards, frequently in “combination” with astoprophes.

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* Not really, but for the sake of this post, let’s say so.

Posted in Funny and Weird Stuff, Style and Grammar, Uncategorized, Writing and Copywriting | Tagged , , , , | Comments Off on Redumbant (and Other Additions to the Writer’s Lexicon)

Before You Eat That Newt . . .

Posted on March 13, 2018 by Foxworld

Having just read up on newts, I feel it’s my civic responsibility to post the following PSA:

*****NEWT ALERT!!!*****

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES EAT A NEWT.

Don’t do it. Put the newt down. I know you were thinking, “Hey, a newt! Yum!” But you just don’t know.

Turns out that the rough-skinned newt of the Pacific northwest (Taricha granulosa) is the most lethal animal in North America. Deadlier than a rattlesnake or a coral snake. And its three other Pacific newt cousins aren’t far behind. All four species of Taricha contain tetrodotoxin, the same stuff found in pufferfish* and the blue-ringed octopus. It’s fine to handle Pacific newts; people commonly keep them as pets. But–and I know it’s hard to resist the impulse, but I must insist–refrain from popping one into your mouth.

It happens. Seriously. The circumstances have typically involved a rough-skinned newt, alcohol, the male ego, and a dare. At least one guy in Oregon wound up dead as a result, and others have been hospitalized.

So you West Coasters, remember: Newts as pets, fine. Cute little things. Newts as table fare, nyet. Skull and crossbones.

Anderson’s crocodile newt (Echinotriton andersoni) takes things even further. Pick it up and it will poke its sharp rib tips through its skin and inject its poison right into you. Did you get that? It sticks its freaking ribs right through its freaking skin and jabs you with them! I’m torn between thinking “Cool!” and “Ewww!” But since this newt lives in Japan and is endangered, I’m not going to worry about it.

Of more concern to me is the eastern newt (Notophthalmus viridescens). This little dude lives in my neck of the woods, and he (or she–newts shatter the glass ceiling when it comes to toxicity) also packs tetrodotoxin. Not nearly as much as the Pacific newts, and eastern newts aren’t considered deadly, but they’re nevertheless not recommended as culinary items.

So there you have it: newt wisdom to live by. Next time you find yourself caught in the hazy nexus of drink, a dare, and the wild desire to swallow something alive and squirmy, set aside the newt and reach for a goldfish. Or better yet, just leave the bar and go drink some coffee. Really. You’ll feel so much better for it in the morning.

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* You know about pufferfish, right? The culinary world calls it fugu. It’s this incredible delicacy prepared by specially trained master chefs in Japan. You pay a ton of money for it, and they serve it to you in the form of wafer-thin, translucent slices in an exquisite display, and you eat it, and you roll your eyes and think, “Oh, my God, this is soooooo GOOD!” And then, if the chef hasn’t prepared it exactly right, you die.

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